We have been led to believe something strange about exercise

This is an episode ofGood fita column on exercise.

Anyone who has ever gawked through the bay window of a gymnasium or fallen asleep to a late night commercial has become familiar with the contraptions. Here, for example, is the Abs Company Vertical Crunch machine. For just $2,599, this sleek and sturdy item offers users a plate-loaded core workout in a seated position and a swivel seat to easily transition to targeting your obliques. Free shipping and extended warranty are included. Not included: Realization of the incontrovertible fact that you could have done the same workout this machine offers for $0. Just stick your feet under the couch, hold a big rock, and do some goddamn sit-ups. Oh, the simplicity!

Let me hastily convey that I am not singling out the Abs Company Vertical Crunch machine out of contempt. There are thousands of varieties of heavy, costly, and utterly unnecessary exercise machines cluttering our nations basements, arcades, and LA Fitness malls. The $2,900 BodyKore Isolation Series Adductor/Abductor Machine can be replaced by squeezing a basketball between your knees. The $4,000 Muscle D Smith Machine can be replaced by squatting with a heavy sandbag. The $4,170 Steelflex Shoulder Press machine can be replaced by lifting the same sandbag overhead. The $2,000 Body-Solid Pro Clubline Series II Arm Curl Machine can be replaced by curling the same sandbag up and down. (Maybe that will be Series III?) I could go on. Do you want me to go on?

Your $4,800 treadmill can be replaced by running your hermit ass down the street.

The existence of an entire manufacturing industry dedicated to producing expensive equipment that can all be easily and efficiently replaced by yourself and maybe a little dirt is a strange thing. What is this monument to inefficiency due to? Let me phrase this question in a more revealing way: what explains this monument to lies? Because the exercise machine industry doesn’t really exist to help people exercise. If that were the goal, the whole thing would be just a short picture book with pictures of stick figures doing push-ups and squats. Instead, this wholly worthless industry (with its nearly $5 billion market) exists to enable an even greater con: the idea that training is something special, an esoteric skill that can only be practiced with the assistance of Bowflex machines resembling airplane cockpits, which can only be used within the confines of a lighted gym which you pay to enter, supervised by qualified personal trainers, also for a fee. If you imagine that you can ride an old stationary bike for a while, they will convince you that you need to replace it That bike with a $1,500 Peloton equipped with a video screen from which the personal trainers themselves can virtually harangue you.

Lies! They are all lies! Every part of this system is carefully designed to trick you. It’s a major scam that not only robs you of your money, but also, in a cruel twist, prevents you from getting a damn good workout. And exercise machines are the basis of the scams. After all, what do you imagine when you think of a gym? I guarantee you imagine a large surface area full of these stupid exercise machines. Hell, I could give you a much more functional gym by removing all the machines and leaving you with just an empty floor, a few rusty weights, and the dark depths of your own fears, which you’ve always been afraid to face (until now). This is a gym. It’s a gym that gets you back in shape, with the help of your inner drive, fueled by trauma that you transform into physical anger that you purge in the form of exercise. This is a real damn gym. The only problem: No one is going to pay $79.99 a month for that gym.

So hundreds of thousands of dollars have to be spent on exercise machines for the sole purpose of giving that empty room the I wait of a gym. Who benefits from this? Exercise machine companies get paid. Gym companies get paid. And personal trainers who have delved into mountains of esoteric texts to learn enough to tell you to sit on the seat there and then push the bib thing forward are also being paid. The loser in this system is you, the poor rube who wanted to work out and who has now been reduced to a depressing circuit of sitting on various padded benches and pushing on various isolationist machines in a pale and ineffective simulacrum of exercise. Now you’re broke and you’re not fit yet. What a damn rip off.

Let me tell you something about me that you might not know: I just did a full body workout and I feel great. What was the total cost of the advanced equipment I used to achieve this nirvana-like state of physical and mental fitness? Well, I used the arms and legs that were given to me by GOD (free) and combined them with the gravitational pull generated by the 6 billion trillion tons mass of planet Earth (free). First I moved away from the Earth with my arms.
Then I walked away from the Earth with my legs. Then I went a little crazy grabbing the bars of a jungle gym and… pulling away from the Earth. Why is the strange sweaty man in the playground, mom? she asked for a child. But kids can’t even vote let alone judge me and my life. The point is, I pushed and pulled and pressed and pumped and ran and jumped and never, at any time, used an exercise machine that cost thousands of dollars. OR ANY DOLLARS.

This, my friends, is what the Gym Industrial Complex doesn’t want you to know. You don’t need them. You don’t need giant welded steel machines that replicate a single motion in a single plane of motion. You don’t need a sophisticated cardio machine that replicates the readily available experience of pushing yourself along the earth’s surface. They’re not just useless; I am inferior to the free and unrestricted movement of the human body in space. Once you realize that, the whole scam starts to unravel. If you don’t need all those machines, then you don’t have to pay that much for a fancy gym. If you don’t need the fancy gym, you don’t need the fancy personal trainers. All you really need is the motivation to go out and push against the Earth, a feeling that can be gained by contemplating the enormity of the fraud the exercise machine industry has perpetrated on generations of innocent Americans who were simply looking for a guide to getting pumped. .

In fact, the best way to get a workout out of an exercise machine is to grab it and drag it to the dumpster. You can also get paid That.

#led #strange #exercise
Image Source : slate.com

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